


Signs and symptoms

by Marine226



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-07-27 05:27:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 17,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20040670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marine226/pseuds/Marine226
Summary: One second of inattention, one moment of not being in control leads to Steve's worst nightmare...





	1. Chapter 1

Danny sighed and glanced at his watch. He hated these meetings. Steve was behind the Governor’s desk, both looking at something on the Governor’s monitor. Steve pointed at something, “This guy”

Before the Governor had the chance to respond, there was a loud bang from the hallway. It sounded like something heavy falling over, maybe a cupboard? But the next thing happened so suddenly, Danny wasn’t sure what happened.

When Danny turned back to look at Steve and the Governor, he saw Steve had drawn his weapon and was now pointing it at the Governor. The Governor was hugged against Steve’s body, and there was a wild look in Steve’s eyes.

“Steven!” Danny exclaimed, but he only drew Steve’s attention to him

Steve pointed the gun at Danny, still keeping his forearm tightly against the Governor’s neck, “On the floor! Now!”

Danny put his hands up, “Steve, listen to me, you’re okay. You’re – ”

“Get down!” Steve barked, interrupting him, “Cuff yourself, behind your back”

Danny pursed his lips, but did as he was told. He could hear Steve’s breaths coming in short, sharp pants. 

“Follow me and he dies” Steve told him, then exited the office with the Governor

Steve moved as fast as possible down the corridor, keeping a tight grip on the man in front of him. He knew he didn’t have a lot of time before his backup arrived, and that would mean escape would be out of reach. It would mean going back to being interrogated. 

They got to the stairs and started going down, taking the stairs slowly, there was far too many opportunities to fuck this up. As people in the foyer noticed, they gave them a wide berth.

Suddenly, a bunch of men with weapons turned up, training the business end at Steve, telling him the let the ‘Governor’ go? Who did they think they were? Steve hugged the man closer to his body, frantically searching for his escape. He couldn’t go back to where he was before. 

“Get back!!!” he yelled at them, pressing the barrel of the weapon harder against the man’s head. Surely if they thought of this man as their Governor, they would do anything to make sure the guy wasn’t hurt. “Get back or I execute him!!” he yelled

“Do it, get back!” the guy he was holding hostage told them

Steve and the guy went down one more step, then another. Steve could nearly taste freedom. If only he could get outside. He might have the chance to get out of here alive. 

Suddenly, there was a burning pain in his shoulder and he was dropping the weapon and staggering backwards. Then he heard the bang of a gunshot. Nearly simultaneously, Steve was thrown to the ground. 

Steve fought as hard as he could, shouting as he did so. But there was too many of them. Then someone smacked him over the head, making everything go dark. 

From above the foyer, Junior stood up and slung his rifle. He watched the scene unfold below him, watching as paramedics eventually walked into the palace, then load Steve onto a stretcher. 

He didn’t take his eyes off the scene when Danny joined him, rubbing at his wrists. Junior watched the paramedics apply restraining straps around Steve’s body, then wheel him out of the foyer, before finally asking Danny “What happened?”


	2. Chapter 2

Steve woke up in pain. His shoulder was throbbing, and his head hurt like he’d just gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. He opened his eyes and looked around the room, but he didn’t recognise it. It wasn’t his bedroom, it wasn’t Danny’s, and it wasn’t his office. 

Steve frowned and tried to sit up, but something was stopping him. That’s when he noticed the straps across his body, restraining him. Steve lay there for a moment, trying to get his bearings, what had happened?

Before he could come up with an answer, the door to the sterile room opened and a man in blue scrubs stepped through holding something in one of his hands. 

“Hey” Steve croaked, before clearing his throat and trying again, “Hey, where am I?”

“Hospital” the man responded shortly, then started taking the straps off of Steve’s body, “Time to wake up princess”

Steve frowned, but slowly sat up on the side of the bed when the man finally released him. His mouth was dry and felt like it’d been stuffed full of cotton wool, a clear indication that he’d probably been sedated recently. “What happened?” he asked.

The man shrugged, then consulted the clipboard he was holding, “Name?”

Steve blinked at the Segway, but answered, “Steve McGarrett”

The man nodded and made a note on his clipboard, “Date of birth?”

“Why am I here?” Steve asked, getting frustrated at the man’s attitude.

“I’m asking the questions” the man answered distractedly, “Date of birth?”

Steve pursed his lips, “March 10 1977”

“Address?” the man asked

“McGarrett” Steve was saved from answering more questions by someone calling him from the door

Steve jumped up and went to the door, “That’s me”

“I’m your escort until you see the doc” the newcomer said, “You can call me Jake”

“Jake, we’re not done” the guy in scrubs interrupted

“Yeah you are, if he doesn’t get to the mess in the next 10 minutes, he’ll miss breakfast” Jake said, then took Steve’s arm and got them moving

Steve flinched at the initial contact, but forcibly stopped himself from flooring Jake. He let himself be guided down the corridor, then stepped away from Jake, brushing off his hand. 

Jake apologised, then added, “Shaun can be a bit of a control freak. I wasn’t joking about the timings for breakfast”

Steve nodded, “So, you’re my escort?”

“After the excitement you had yesterday, the powers-that-be thought it would be wise to have you escorted until they can assess you” Jake explained

Steve frowned, quickly glancing the guy up and down. Jake was a heavy set guy, but Steve could easily outpower him if he wanted to. Steve raised his eyebrows, then asked, “What excitement yesterday?”

“You don’t remember?” Jake asked

“If I did, why would I ask you?!” Steve asked, getting irritated by this turn of events, “What happened?”

“Best you talk to the doc about that. We’re here, best grab a tray and get some tucker before they close up shop” Jake advised him, indicating with his hands that Steve should proceed him.

Steve huffed under his breath, but did as asked. Hopefully he’d have answers to his questions soon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seeing as the last chapter was a short one, here have another...

Steve parked himself on the far end of the room from the door, keeping his back to the wall. Jake kept close by, just in case. 

Steve looked around the room, assessing all of them for potential threats. There was a woman staring past the TV, her head canted to the side, drool dribbling out of her mouth. A young man was lying down on one of the couches, apparently sleeping. There was a young woman watching the TV from one of the tables, with no apparent twitches or ailments. 

Another middle aged woman was pacing up and down between the tables, chewing on her fingernails, staring intently at the floor. Next to her was a young man, with a wild looking afro, frantically moving chest pieces around a chess board, playing both challenger and opponent. 

Another slightly older man was standing next to the window, muttering to himself. There were two older gentlemen talking quietly in the far corner, both with various ticks. An old woman leant against the wall on the far side of the room, staring at Steve. The woman constantly swatted at what was possibly a fly, but also possibly nothing at all. 

None presented immediate or obvious threats. Steve sighed silently and wondered how he’d managed to end up here. 

“Steve” Jake said, getting Steve’s attention, “Time to see the doc”

Steve stood up and followed Jake out of the room and down a corridor, before eventually coming to a door that read ‘Dr. A Hendry’. Jake knocked once, then opened the door and stepped back, “I’ll be outside”

Steve pursed his lips, but did as requested. The doc sitting behind the desk was a younger guy then Steve expected. He looked like he was in his thirties. He probably would look younger again if he didn’t have a heavy moustache.

“Come in, take a seat” Dr. A Hendry said, gesturing to the seats, “I’m the shrink, head doc, psychiatrist, whatever you want to call me. I’d prefer ‘Adrian’, if you’re happy with first names?”

Steve shrugged non-commitally. Adrian nodded, then added, “Sorry I didn’t see you last night, my daughter had her graduation”

As Steve sat down, he rifled through his notes and finally pulled out a clipboard, “Steve McGarrett?”

“Yeah” Steve responded, “Why am I here?”

“Do you remember what happened yesterday afternoon, Steve?” the doc asked, “Can I call you Steve?”

Steve thought back to the previous day, the last thing he could remember was his meeting with the Governor, then thinking about what happened in Iraq, then nothing. “No, I don’t, and yes, you can”

Adrian wrote something, then said, “So you don’t remember holding a gun to the Governor’s head?”

Steve frowned, “What are you talking about?”

Adrian shuffled some papers, then as if reading something said, “You were in a meeting with the Governor, there was a loud bang, then you put your gun against the Governor’s head and tried to make it out of the palace. You were unresponsive, you’re colleagues suggested that you were re-living something”

Steve felt the colour drain from his face. He’d always had so much control over everything, he found it difficult to grasp that he’d done something like the doc had suggested.

Then Adrian was shuffling some more papers and shaking his head, “I pulled your file from the Navy, looks like you’ve seen quite a bit of action. I imagine most of it was quite stressful. Most of your file’s redacted and I know what that means. I served myself, Army Intelligence for 11 years”

Steve licked his lips, wanting to ask what this would mean for his future with the Navy, but afraid to ask. Surely this was a practical joke? Surely this was Danny’s way of saying that he needed to look after himself better? But Danny had always been upfront about those kind of things.

Adrian put down his put down the papers he was holding, then picked up some others, “Your time at Five-0 has certainly not been a picnic either. Again, with the ‘Classified’”

“I’m fine” Steve told the doc

Adrian finally looked at Steve in his eyes, “I don’t think you’re qualified to make that assessment. Now, because you put a gun against the Governor’s head and had the intent to use it if needed, I can keep you here for another two and a half days. We’ll have regular sit-downs, I want you to sit in on the group sessions, and I’ve prescribed some anti-anxiety meds, which you need to take. Understand?”

Steve frowned and pursed his lips, but nodded. He just had to make it through the rest of the mandatory 72 hour period. “Understood” he said.


	4. Chapter 4

Steve had finally lost his escort. Jake had disappeared after the Doc had had a quiet chat with him. Jake had taken him to the pharmacy dispensary, where he’d been given a few pills in a small plastic sippy cup. Jake had made sure that he’d swallowed the pills, then left.

Fortunately for Steve, Jake hadn’t been as thorough with the search of his mouth as he could have been. So Steve had discretely disposed of the pills down the toilet, he would stay here for the 72 hours, but he didn’t need to take the drugs. He’d been coping just fine, he didn’t need pharmaceuticals to help with some perceived weakness in his psyche. He needed to be at the top of his game, always ready for anything.

Shortly after the initial consult with the doc, a bell jingled, and as if they were Pavlov’s dogs, the majority of the patients got up and filed out of the rec room. Steve had watched them go, curious as to what was happening, but not so much to follow them. In the end, he didn’t have a choice, as Jake had turned up and told him to go to ‘group’.

Steve sat on the furtherest side of the room, facing the door. He blanked out the sound of the patients talking, not the least bit interested in what they were saying. He acknowledged that they were all here because they needed help, but he didn’t belong here with them.

“Steve?” the counsellor’s voice pulled Steve out of his thoughts

Steve glanced around the circle, noticing that the other’s were looking at him expectantly. “Say again?” Steve asked

“I asked if you wanted to introduce yourself to our group?” the counsellor asked, in a soft voice that was supposed to be soothing, and to convey acceptance, but it just set Steve on edge.

“No thanks” Steve responded, deliberately making sure he didn’t cross his arms, he didn’t want to be seen to be defensive. Looks were everything.

The counsellor just smiled, supposedly in understanding, then made a note and continued around the circle. Steve ground his teeth in frustration. This was bullshit.

**********

The day passed slowly. Steve grew bored, he tried to think of this as a mission, but it was painful. He had tried to use one of the phones, but had been told that he didn’t have any privileges yet, so couldn’t make a phone call. 

He’d just wanted to hear Danny’s voice. He’d just wanted Danny to tell him that everything was going to okay, and that he just had to make it through the next 3 days. Danny would’ve taken the opportunity to tell him that he was right, and that Steve needed to talk to someone. But none of that happened.

Steve waited in the line at the mess to get lunch. The same bunch of people in the rec room were in front of him, waiting patiently to get a feed. There was also a bunch of people that Steve didn’t recognise, he assumed they were also patients, maybe from a different ward. They were all wearing the same white scrubs that he and the other patients wore.

Steve moved forward as the line moved. Then suddenly, one of the patients dropped their meal tray. The loud clanging sound transported Steve to a different time, he threw himself on the ground and then shouted at everyone to get down!

He put his hands over his head to prevent his head getting hit with any fragments from the indirect fire, and started counting for two minutes. He glanced up to find somewhere to run to, to take cover in case the enemy fired again. When he saw a bunch of civilians standing there staring at him, he yelled at them again, telling them to get on the ground. 

These people were going to die or at least get badly wounded because they couldn’t follow a simple direction. Apparently they hadn’t been listening when they’d had the site induction, the ‘what to do if the camp gets bombed/shot at’ – along with the domestics of being in a deployed camp. Whatever, it was their problem now, Steve had tried, not his fault that they weren’t paying attention.

One of the civilians started talking to him, telling him that he was okay, that he was safe. He didn’t pay them any attention, they didn’t know what they were talking about. One thing was for sure, as soon as the two minutes were up, as soon as it was safe to be upright and not get caught by falling fragments, he would run for cover. Not long now.

“Steve!” the voice penetrated through his thoughts, over the sound of him counting to 120.

Steve blinked and listened to the voice, then he was back in the locked psych ward. He realised he was lying on the floor in the middle of the mess, and everyone was standing around staring at him as though he was entertainment at a circus.

“Steve?” the voice came again, Steve glanced to the voice and saw it belonged to Jake. “You back with us?” he asked

“Yeah” Steve responded quietly, feeling out of his depth. He didn’t mind being the centre of attention, but it was always on his terms. 

Jake seemed to get it, he stood up and shouted at the patients to get back to what they were doing, nothing to see here. Steve used the opportunity to slowly sit up, then get to his feet.

As Steve started to walk away, Jake called him again, “Hey”

Steve turned around, he didn’t want to talk about it, “Not hungry, I’m gonna head back to my room”. It wasn’t like he was lying, he wasn’t hungry, he actually felt sick. He felt like he needed to throw up, but he wouldn’t give himself the luxury.

“Understood. I just want to borrow you for a sec” Jake told him

Steve sighed, but nodded, and followed Jake out of the room. As they walked, Steve asked, “Guess the doc will want to see me again soon?”

Jake shrugged, “He would have anyway. He’s scheduled an appointment for this afternoon, he might bring it forward though. You’ll have at least two sessions with him a day”

“Sounds delightful” Steve remarked

Jake snorted, then pulled out a pack of cigarettes, “You smoke?”

“Once upon a time” Steve responded, thinking back to his youthful days. He’d seen it as a sign of rebellion.

Jake nodded, “We’re not supposed to let you guys come out here, but I think you need a time out. And I hardly think of you as a danger”

“I’m plenty dangerous” Steve felt the need to clarify

“Right, but only when required, right?” Jake asked, “You’re a cop, and you’ve served. I figure you’re safe, most of the time, except when *this* is happening” – as Jake said ‘this’, he made gestures as if to indicate the situation Steve currently found himself in, probably also indicating the event from the mess too.

Steve didn’t respond, instead he followed Jake out a fire exit to where they stood outside on a small balcony. Jake offered a smoke from the packet, then lit the cigarettes. 

Steve inhaled, and recalled the last time he’d had a smoke.

_ He was at BUDS, at night, in the smoking area. He took a long drag of the cigarette and wondered how Mary was going. He stopped thinking about home when he realised he wasn’t alone _

_ “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” SGT Joe White, the instructor was suddenly in his face _

_ Steve straightened up, pushing himself off the pole he was leaning against, “Having a smoke” _

_ “You want to try that again, recruit?!” SGT White snapped, in a tone that meant Steve had fucked up _

_ Steve brought himself to attention and said in his best drill voice, “I’m having a smoke, SGT” _

_ Steve didn’t miss the grin that briefly appeared on the SGT’s face, “You know those things will kill you?” _

_ “Yes SGT” Steve responded crisply _

_ “If you want to make it through the hell that is my training, you’ll give those things up” SGT White told him, “I only graduate the best. Smoking is a sign of weakness. You’re not weak, are you boy?” _

_ “No, SGT!” Steve replied _

And as promised, that had been his last smoke. Steve wondered what Joe would think if he could see him now.


	5. Chapter 5

Jake had returned him to the rec room after the little time-out. Steve still felt embarrassed about what had happened, but he felt a little better about it. As he stood there wondering what to do with the rest of the day, someone snuck up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. Without thinking, Steve whirled around and socked the culprit in the face.

The guy shouted out in pain and clutched the left side of his face where the punch had landed. That’s when Steve realised that the guy he’d punched was one of the guys who served behind the counter at the mess hall.

Steve winced, “Shit, sorry, I didn’t …” 

“Ow! That really hurt!” the guy carried on

Steve quickly looked around, making sure that no staff had witnessed the altercation. He couldn’t afford to get locked up in a padded room. He really hadn’t meant to hit the guy.

“Sorry” Steve said again, sheepishly

The guy sniffed, then still holding his face, thrust a small Chinese container at him, “I noticed you didn’t eat at lunch, so made you this”

“Ah, thanks” Steve blinked, he hadn’t expected that, then he winced again, “I really am sorry, do you need some ice?”

The guy nodded, but responded in the negative, “No, I’ve had worse”

Steve took the container, the contents looked pretty good, and he was actually hungry now. “What’s your name?” he asked

“Jim” the guy responded, “I’m one of the kitchen staff”

Steve nodded, “I know, I remember you from this morning”

“Don’t let me stop you” Jim told him, indicating he should start eating, “I didn’t know who you were this morning, but I do now”

Steve frowned and walked to one of the tables, “What does that mean? Who do you think I am?”

Jim sat at the other end of the table, “You’re a PTSD case, like me. You’ve got to be careful around here, they’ll lock you up forever. Like you, I came in here for the mandatory 3 day period – that was 4 years ago!”

Steve’s frown deepened, he doubted that was the case. He started eating the food, some kind of Chinese stirfry, it tasted good. “They often lock people up for no reason?” he asked

Jim nodded fervently, “Brian came in last week, he was another PTSD case. He came in for the 3 days, but they wanted to keep him longer. He ended up leaving in a body bag”

Steve nodded, he remembered hearing about that. “What about others?” he asked

“Yeah, see Jerry over there?” he asked, pointing to the guy who had been sleeping earlier, “He’s got manic depression, they keep giving him pills and he’s fine, but they don’t let him leave”

Steve suspected that there was more going on with Jerry than met the eye, but he didn’t tell Jim that. He continued eating the lunch, then asked about the other patients. 

Jim had info about everyone, but nothing really stood out as anything unusual. Or at least, nothing you wouldn’t expect to be happening at a nut house. Steve asked Jim about other goings on and heard some things that intrigued him further.

“Yeah, four months ago, Zack came in, normal PTSD type case. He voluntarily came in, he knew he needed some help. They voluntary ones are always a bit different, I think they know they need to be here so don’t fight it as much” Jim told him, sounding for the world like he knew what he was talking about, “Anyway, started out normal enough, but he just went psycho. They locked him in the padded room for a bit, but he ended up in the other side of the ward for medical attention, then he died a few days later. They never told us how he died”

Steve huffed, he’d heard about that case too, but he didn’t know the ins and the outs of it. And he really wanted to.

********

Steve sat in the doc’s office, they were at an impasse. They had been sitting in the office for a good twenty minutes, but neither had said a word – not after the initial conversation anyway. 

The initial conversation had gone like this: the doc (_ Call me Adrian _) had asked about the incident in the mess hall, Steve had said that there was nothing to tell. Adrian had said that he wanted to know and would sit in silence until Steve told him more.

Steve was impressed, this Adrian was going about the session in a way he hadn’t seen or heard of before. But he was even more impressed with the fact that Adrian hadn’t even tried to break the awkward silence between them. He vaguely wondered if all of their sessions would end up the same way, with both of them sitting in silence. 

Steve’s gaze wondered around the room, eventually settling on the bookcase filled with some psych books, but also with a bunch on various other topics. Steve got up to get a better look. Some were clearly from Adrian’s time in the Navy – some about leadership, some about intelligence and analysis, others about bomb disposal.

Frowning, Steve picked up the book and read the back cover of one of them. The story sounded familiar, it was about an Army LT in Afghanistan and his role in disarming IEDs. Steve had heard many stories like it when he was over there. Not all resulted in getting published.

Steve put the book back and picked up another one. 

Adrian cleared his throat, then asked, “Did you work much with the bomb disposal teams?”

“In Afghanistan?” Steve asked, glancing at the doc

Adrian shrugged, “Anywhere”

Steve nodded, “Yeah. I mean Afghanistan was the first place I met them” 

“Do those books bring back any memories of that time?” Adrian asked

“I have memories to bring back those memories” Steve said, putting the book back

“So, in the cafetoria earlier, where were you taken back to?” Adrian asked

Steve stayed quiet for a long time. He sat back on the couch before finally answering, “Iraq”

“What happened?” Adrian asked

Steve thought about the event, it was still clear as day. He hadn’t given it much thought in a long time. 

_ They were heading back to the camp after getting picked up from their latest mission. Some of the guys in the back of the PMV were chatting quietly, but most were taking the opportunity to get some shut eye before the next mission. _

_ Suddenly, there was a loud explosion. Steve looked out the front window, just in time to see the PMV in front of them get skyrocketed, then come crashing back down on it’s side. _

_ As their PMV skidded to a halt, Steve started barking orders. They had to get their men out as soon as they could. As the first of his men left their own PMV, they were shot and fell back inside. _

“Steve!” Adrian’s voice snapped Steve out of his reverie.

Steve stared at the doc, feeling the remnants of the vision disappear. Steve wiped sweaty palms over his pants and took a deep, albeit shaky, breath. He didn’t want to think about this anymore. That event was in the past, where it belonged. 

“Sorry” Steve muttered. He hated apologising, but sometimes it was necessary.

“Don’t be” Adrian told him, “Let’s start with something easy, talk to me about yourself, what do you like to do in your spare time?”

Steve sighed, but gave in to the inevitable. “I surf, I cook, hang out with friends – I’m opening a restaurant with one of them”

“I hear most fail within the first 6 months, are you worried about that?” Adrian asked

Steve shook his head, “If anyone can make it work, it’d be me and Danny”

“You work with Danny, right?” Adrian asked

“Yeah” Steve couldn’t help the small grin on his face

Adrian hummed to himself and made a note, then asked, “Okay, and what about your family? Tell me about them”

Steve sighed heavily, “My mother faked her death when I was a kid, she’s recently come back into my life”

“How do you feel about that?” Adrian asked, earning a glare from Steve in the process

“We’re sorting it out” Steve responded shortly

“Okay, continue” Adrian prompted him when Steve looked like he wasn’t going to say anything else

“My father died a few years ago, he was murdered. My sister, Mary, she lives on the mainland with my niece” Steve gave a small smile, then looked down, “They visit when they can”

“Any other family?” Adrian asked

Steve frowned at the folder on the Doc’s desk, “Woulda thought it would be in there”

“It is” Adrian responded, meeting his gaze, “I want to hear it from you”

Steve pursed his lips, he was tempted to tell the Doc to go fuck himself, but he had to play the game, especially if he wanted to leave anytime soon. He took a deep breath to centre himself before replying, “Yeah, I have a partner, we’ve been in a stable relationship for about five years”

Adrian frowned slightly, but nodded, “Any kids?”

“Yeah, my partner has two. I helped raise them both, they call me Uncle Steve” Steve responded

“They call you ‘Uncle’ Steve?” Adrian asked, “Not ‘Dad’ or just ‘Steve’?”

“I’m not their dad” Steve responded with a shrug, “They already have a dad, and he’s amazing”

Adrian nodded, “So your partner, are they in the military?”

“No, not military. He’s a cop” Steve responded

Adrian nodded, not appearing to care that Steve was in a relationship with another man. “That’s Danny Williams, right?” he asked

“Like I said, that’s in the file too, right?” Steve responded

“Actually no” Adrian told him, “That one’s not in your file. I’m just that good at reading people”

Steve smiled, despite the circumstances, he liked this guy. Steve decided now was as good a time as any to get some answers, “I hear this place has had some issues with patients, particularly those with PTSD”

“Is that why you didn’t want to talk to me earlier? And what do you mean issues?” Adrian asked

“I just don’t like talking about myself” Steve responded, “And I’m talking about the guy that died here a few days ago”

Adrian frowned, “I couldn’t tell you much about that, he wasn’t my patient. But even if I did know, I couldn’t tell you because it’s currently under investigation”

“What about the other patients?” Steve asked

“What other patients?” Adrian asked

“The other patients with PTSD that went missing, or died of so called ‘natural causes’” Steve told him

Before Adrian could reply, the intercom at his desk beeped and a lady’s voice told him that there were some people who wanted to speak to him. Adrian looked at Steve and said, “We’re going to have to cut this session short, we can pick up again in the morning”

“Saved by the bell, hey?” Steve told him, but stood up and left the office.


	6. Chapter 6

The rest of the afternoon and into the evening seemed to drag by. Steve saw Jim again at the mess during dinner, the guy was overly pleased to see Steve again and gave him an extra helping of spaghetti bolognaise.

Steve sat and watched the TV after dinner, there was an Australian soap opera on – Home & Away. Steve couldn’t help but get wrapped up in the story – the older gentlemen, Alf, had fallen down a well and nobody knew where he was. 

It was nice to not have to think too hard about the story line, or the ‘whodunnit’ type piece. He spent far too much time doing that in his day to day job. Steve found himself getting tired and his head was starting to ache, which he attributed to having little to no coffee during the day. He left the common room and went to bed early, falling into an exhausted sleep.

**********

Steve woke the next morning feeling groggy. His head felt like it had been stuffed with cotton wool and he had that weird sensation in his mouth that usually meant he’d been sedated. He didn’t recall anything untoward happening during the night. In fact, he didn’t remember anything at all after going to bed.

Steve rolled himself into a sitting position on the side of the bed, trying to get his uncooperative muscles to get with the program. He put his head into his hands, ignoring the ache in his shoulder as he moved it. His head started to pound as soon as he moved and he felt a wave of nausea threaten to overtake him. 

Suddenly, he felt himself heave, and before he was able to find a vessel fit for purpose, he threw up on the floor. He threw up again, bringing up remnants of last night’s meal, but he didn’t feel any better. He coughed a few times, trying to get his breath. 

As he spat one last time, he heard his door open and someone walk in. 

“Ah, great” he heard

Steve looked up and saw the orderly from yesterday morning – Stuart? – standing in the doorway. Stuart visibly sighed, then left again, leaving Steve in peace and quiet.

Steve wiped his mouth with his sleeve and glared at the mess on the floor. He hadn’t tossed his cookies since his 30th birthday party, and that had been a hectic party. He’d had nearly three quarters of a bottle of vodka. 

A noise at the door had Steve raising his head again. Stuart came back in, this time with a mop and bucket in tow. The guy was grumbling under his breath as he walked. 

“Okay, go have a shower and get cleaned up, I’ll take care of this” Stuart grumbled at him, making shooing motions at him

The thought of someone else moping up his mess made Steve feel twice as bad. Steve opened his mouth to argue, but thought better of it, he doubted Stuart would let him do it. 

Steve sighed and slowly got to his feet. He stepped over the vomit and made his way to the door. When he got to the door, Steve turned around and muttered a token, ‘thanks’ at Stuart, before leaving.


	7. Chapter 7

Steve felt a bit better after the shower, but he still felt groggy. He stopped in at the mess on the way back through and grabbed one of the bacon and egg rolls. Before he picked up the roll though, Jim swatted his hand. 

It was a good thing that Steve had seen him lingering about, otherwise he probably would have hit him again. 

“This one’s for you” Jim told him, grabbing a roll from the back of the pile

Steve frowned, his spidey senses immediately taking interest, “What’s wrong with this one?”

Jim shrugged, “Nothing, it’s just …. Well I put extra bacon and eggs in this one, I figured you’d need it”

“Oh, ah…” Steve said, then reluctantly put down the one he’d picked and took the other one, “Thanks”

Jim grinned, then went back to what he was doing. Steve walked out of the mess and sat down on one of the couches to have the roll. Despite the somewhat convincing reason, Steve was still paranoid about Jim’s reason for swapping out the rolls. 

Steve lifted the top of the roll and sorted through the contents, but didn’t see anything untoward. Not that he would anyway. He brought it up to his face and sniffed, but again, no tell-tale scents of anything. Well, nothing aside from the delicious smell of bacon and eggs anyway. And Jim hadn’t been lying, there was definitely a double serving of both bacon and eggs. 

Steve put the roll back together and took a big bite. Despite having felt nauseous when he first woke up, he was starving now. He practically inhaled the roll, then washed it down with the small watered down coffee he’d taken from the mess hall.

Shortly after breakfast, an orderly – not Stuart – came round with a trolley and started handing out medications. When the trolley came to Steve, the orderly looked at him for a moment, then asked, “You McGarrett?”

Steve frowned, “Yeah”

The orderly took one of the small pill cups from the trolley and gave it to him, then filled a small cup with water. Steve examined the pill cup, there was a couple of different pills from yesterday, in addition to the anti-anxiety pill and the painkiller. Steve knocked back the drugs, then took the cup of water.

The orderly asked him to open his mouth, then lift his tongue and move it side to side, double checking that Steve had in fact swallowed the pills. Steve complied, then when the orderly was gone, spat the pills back into his hand and put them in his pocket. 

The rest of the morning passed relatively quietly. Steve lay down on the couch and managed to fall asleep. He’d felt tired all morning, not really having recovered from whatever events had transpired overnight. It was a dreamless sleep, which was nice for a change.

A hand shaking his shoulder brought Steve abruptly to wakefulness, and he hit out at the owner of the hand. Even as he registered that his hand had been caught, he lashed out again, only for the same thing to happen. 

Then he realised where he was and who was in front of him. Jake gave him a look, then let go of his hands and simply said, “Time for group”

Steve looked around and found that the common area was all but empty, all of the other patients having already filed out of the place. He must have really been out of it not to notice so much movement around him. Usually he’d wake if so much as a fly landed on the other side of the room.

Jake stepped back and let Steve get to his feet, then followed him to the room they used for the group therapy sessions. Steve looked in disdain at the only chair that was still vacant – which had its back to the door, something that he tried to avoid at all costs. He reluctantly took the seat, but didn’t relax into it, he stayed perched on the edge of the seat, his back as straight as a rod, ready to pounce into action at the slightest hint of a threat.

The counsellor started the session and the patients started talking, one by one about their experiences. Again, Steve drowned out the sound of the session, still intent on what was going on behind him. His head had started to ache again as soon as he got up, and now it was absolutely pounding. 

A sound out in the hallway had Steve jumping out of his seat and turning to face the door, before he registered what the sound was. He identified it as a trolley – with a wonky wheel – that had skipped over something or had hit the wall, before continuing on its way.

“Steve?” the counsellor asked, making Steve turn back to the group, who were all staring at him – some in fear, others in amusement. “Did you have something to add?” the counsellor asked

“No. No, I’m …” Steve quickly glanced over his shoulder again, double checking that the threat was gone, “I’m fine”

The counsellor nodded, then said, “Okay, would you like to take your seat then?”

Steve couldn’t think of anything worse, “No, I’m good. I’d prefer to stand”

“These sessions usually work better if everyone is on an even playing field, Steve, can you please take your seat” the counsellor responded

The pounding in his head was even worse now – not that he thought it could get any worse. He pinched the bridge of his noise, trying to make the pain go away, but it didn’t help, neither did the counsellor’s persistence. He took a deep breath, trying to make his heart stop beating so fast, and lowered his hand.

Another sound had Steve quickly turning to the door again, but he dismissed the sound as somebody having scuffed their shoe against the floor. He turned back to the group, and told the counsellor determinedly “No, I’d like to stand”

The counsellor sighed, “Okay, you can stand on one condition. Seeing as you already have centre stage, why don’t you tell us why you would prefer to stand?”

Steve looked around the group, he felt silly for saying why and he didn’t think they would understand, but the feeling was so strong that he couldn’t ignore it. Finally, when the silence seemed to stretch too far, he replied, “Same reason I prefer to face the door in a room. I like to be prepared”

“For what?” the counsellor prompted

“Mainly threats” Steve replied, then realised how that would sound, so added, “I’m a cop, and a Navy SEAL. Have to be prepared to act with a moments notice”

“There are no threats here, Steve, you’re safe” the counsellor said, her tone supposedly being soothing

“I disagree” Steve told her

“Would you like to expand on that?” she asked

“No” Steve responded resolutely, trying not to fidget

“Does this environment in particular make you feel unsafe – under threat? Or is this a normal feeling for you?” the counsellor asked

Steve frowned, knowing where the counsellor was going with this, and not liking it. His heart rate increased again, starting to make him feel uncomfortable – more than that, it was starting to make him feel nauseous. “I normally feel safe” he allowed

“So what is it ab- ” the counsellor started, but stopped speaking when Steve flinched and quickly looked over his shoulder, his body poised for action “Steve?”

Steve continued to stare out the door, trying to determine what the noise was that he’d heard and where it had come from. His mind was already darting ahead, thinking of the exit points for both the room he was in, and out in the corridor in front of him. He thought of how many people he could save if the threat came any closer. He didn’t have any weapons on him, but that didn’t matter, he was a weapon himself.

Eventually, the tension left his shoulders as he identified the miscellaneous noise. He turned back around and once again found himself under the scrutiny of the room.

“Steve? Are you okay?” the counsellor asked, having stood up at some point

Steve pursed his lips, feeling incredibly uncomfortable, “I’m fine, I’ve just got to…” Steve pointed over his shoulder, then turned around and walked out of the room. He ignored the calls from the counsellor to come back, he didn’t answer to her. 

As he walked away from the room, he felt his heart-rate start to descend to a normal level again – or at least normal for him. He wiped sweaty hands on his pants and went in search of something to make his headache go away.


	8. Chapter 8

“Steve, come on in” Adrian called when he saw Steve in the doorway

Steve reluctantly came in and sat down, he wasn’t looking forward to this session. He’d been surprised when he wasn’t called in before lunch, he was sure the Doc would want to see him as soon as possible, considering whatever had happened overnight and his walking out of the group session.

He perched on the edge of the chair, as if to ready himself for action. Steve eyed Adrian as the other man got up from his desk and sat in the armchair adjacent to Steve’s armchair.

“Okay, so it seems you’ve had a bit of excitement in the last 24 hours. Let’s start with last night, tell me about that” Adrian told him

Steve sat up straighter, “Nothing to tell”

“You and I have very different definitions of a non-event then” Adrian told him, “Why don’t you tell me your version of events”

Steve shrugged, “I mean, I don’t remember what happened”

“What do you remember?” Adrian asked

“Nothing, I woke up and realised I’d been sedated at some point” Steve responded

“So you don’t remember at all?” Adrian asked, then consulted his file for a moment before continuing “You don’t remember waking up screaming or huddling in the corner of your room?”

When Steve shook his head, keeping his mouth shut, Adrian continued, “And you don’t remember attacking my staff when they came in to help you?”

Steve cringed and closed his eyes momentarily, “They okay?”

Adrian sighed, “They will be. You broke Harry’s nose and Tracy’s arm”

Steve exhaled sharply and put his head in his hands, he didn’t remember any of those events. And that worried him. The headache that had plagued him all day tripled in intensity and he felt his heart start to race again. He knew what this meant – he’d never get out of here.

Adrian sighed again, “Look Steve, I believe that you didn’t mean to do it, but you’ve got to help me here. Help me to help you”

Steve scoffed into his hands, then looked up, ashamed to find that his eyes were wet. He swallowed thickly, “So what next?”

“You’ve got to talk to me, Steve” Adrian told him, “Now, we both know that this means I could extend your stay here for another 72 hours, but if you cooperate, I won’t do that”

Steve exhaled deeply, it didn’t make him feel any better. His head still felt like someone was playing the bongo drums and he still felt nauseous. “Fine, what do you want to know?” he asked

“Well, the first thing I’d like to know is – and I’ll phrase this as a two-part question so you don’t misinterpret what I want to know. Firstly, do you and Danny sleep together – and by sleep, I mean sleep. And secondly, have you had any of these occurrences or has Danny told you about any?”

“You want to know if I’ve ever been violent to Danny after having a nightmare?” Steve asked

“Yeah, in part” Adrian answered

Steve wanted to answer ‘no’, but that wasn’t the truth. It had only happened once, and thankfully Danny hadn’t been injured. “I don’t usually get violent unless I’m touched” Steve allowed, remembering that’s what had happened with Danny. He hadn’t fully been awake and had thought he was under attack.

Adrian nodded, being able to read between the lines. Then he sighed, “Okay, tell me what happened this morning at group”

“Like I told the counsellor – ”

“Jenny” Adrian interrupted

“Like I told Jenny, I don’t like having my back to an entrance” Steve told him

“You like to be ready in case you need to defend yourself” Adrian said

“Exactly” Steve replied, feeling a bit relieved that at least the Doc got it

“Jenny said you were very distracted and kept looking out the door, she said it was like you were on high alert” Adrian told him

“I kept hearing noises, one of them sounded like… I think it was a trolley wheel hitting the wall, but it sounded like …” he started, hearing the sound in his head. It had sounded like the clanging of chains. The sound made him feel sick all over again. 

_ The sound of the chains brought him back to wakefulness. He was still hanging from the chains in the middle of the room. The pain from the gunshot wound in his shoulder was made worse by having both arms stretched overhead. _

_ Steve tried to touch the floor with his toes, but he could only just reach, meaning that he couldn’t take any weight off his arms. The position made it hard to breathe, he found himself taking short, shallow breaths. But that was probably a good thing, the more he moved his torso, the more he remembered about the abuse his tormentors had inflicted when they were last in the room. _

_ He remembered the cattle prods. He remembered the beatings – and the resultant probable broke ribs. He remembered it all. _

_ The sound of keys jangling from afar meant his captors were on their way back. It meant more torture. Steve did everything he could to try to get out of the chains, but nothing he did helped. _

_ Soon enough, the jangling keys were unlocking his door and his captors were coming in. The guy with the bald head grinned at him and said something in a foreign language. When Steve didn’t respond, the man went to the workbench and perused the tools laid out there. _

_ The other man who’d come in – Steve called him ‘Browny’ because he had Brown hair – said something to Baldy. Then both men laughed. _

_ Baldy picked up the cattle prod and asked Steve something in their language. Something Steve didn’t understand. But even if he did, he wouldn’t tell them anything. _

_ Baldy smiled, then jammed the prod into Steve torso and zapped him. _

_ Steve screamed and balked against the chains. Then suddenly he was on the floor. One of his captors stood in front of him and Steve prepared to kick him, but something made him pause. He didn’t recognise this guy. This wasn’t Baldy, and it wasn’t Browny …_

“Steve?” the man in front of him asked, looking worried. The man had both of his hands turned outward, his palms facing Steve in the universal sign of ‘I’m unarmed’

Steve gasped and stared around the room. He started noticing things – differences – one thing at a time. The difference in light. The floor was tiled, not dirt. There was furniture – a desk, two armchairs and a couch – not a workbench and chains. 

“Steve?” the man in front of him asked again. A man Steve finally recognised as Adrian.

Steve released a shaky breath and stared up at the other man. He lowered his leg that was raised, poised to kick if his aggressor had come any closer. 

Suddenly it all felt like it was too much. He wondered how everything had gone sideways so fast. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to be the strong one. He was supposed to be in control. When had he lost that control?

He felt his eyes start to burn as he realised that maybe everyone was right. Maybe he was broken. What if he couldn’t be fixed? A lone tear fell from his eyes

“What’s wrong with me?” Steve asked, finally letting his fear show.


	9. Chapter 9

Steve felt cold. He felt cold and numb. He huddled in the corner of the common room, trying to conserve his warmth. He’d tried to go back to his room after the session with Adrian, but it’d been locked. Apparently they weren’t allowed to go back to their rooms until after 1700h.

Adrian had cut their session short after what had happened. He said that he wanted to see him three times tomorrow to make up for lost time. Steve hadn’t missed the implied – or we’ll just keep you an extra day or so…

Steve was tired, a bone deep kind of tiredness that no amount of sleep could cure. The headache and nauseousness that had plagued him all day were still there, and hadn’t abated at all. If anything, it felt worse than before.

He really wanted to talk with Danny, but he was afraid of what the other man would say. 

Maybe Danny was right, maybe he was fucked in the head. He didn’t know if it was the tiredness, or the pain in his head, but he’d started getting things flick across his vision. Any time he tried to focus on the ‘ghost’, it would disappear. 

When the afternoon meds trolley came around, Steve tongued the pills and convinced the orderly that he’d taken them. Steve hadn’t missed the shaking of his hands as he’d taken the cup of water. He put it down to the immense cold that he was feeling, but it could have been from something else entirely.

Steve nearly missed the call for dinner too, his head was somewhere else. He couldn’t have told you where though. He felt completely out of it. He nearly felt like he’d gone into shock, but he hadn’t sustained an injury.

He didn’t follow the line of patients heading to the mess hall for dinner, avoiding the line up for the food, thinking he probably couldn’t stomach anything right now. He’d certainly only throw it up again, and he didn’t want a repeat of what had happened this morning. 

He watched as the patients eventually came back and filled out the room again. Thankfully none of them approached him. He watched from afar as one of the patients put on another episode of Home & Away. He wanted to know what had happened with the guy down the well. 

After an indetermined amount of time, Jim came into the room and located Steve. 

“Can I sit?” Jim asked, pointing next to him

Steve wanted to say no, but the guy would probably want to know why. And Steve just didn’t have the energy for any of that. So he nodded and watched as the other man sat down next to him. Jim wordlessly handed Steve one of the two Styrofoam cups he was carrying, both of which were filled with thick orange liquid.

“What’s that?” Steve asked, his voice rough from disuse

“Pumpkin soup” Jim responded, “I noticed you didn’t come to dinner and I already had this made up, so…”

Steve crinkled up his nose, he still didn’t feel like eating, but he took the cup anyway, “Thanks”

Jim shrugged in response, “My mum always made me soup when I was feeling sick”

Steve sipped from the cup, and found that it wasn’t as bad as he thought, so he had another sip. The warmth from the soup started making him feel warmer again.

“So what happened?” Jim asked

“What?” Steve asked, feeling as though Jim had started a conversation at some point, but Steve had missed the beginning

“Your session this afternoon with Doc AJ” Jim explained, “You came out looking pale and pretty shaky”

Steve nodded, “Yeah. Doc AJ?”

“Doc Adrian James” Jim told him, “AJ for short”

Steve had another sip of the soup, then said, “He told me to call him Adrian, not AJ”

“Yeah he would, he hates being called AJ” Jim told him, “So what happened?”

“Wait, why would you call him something he hates?” Steve asked, getting drawn into the conversation despite his reluctance

“Because he’s a bastard” Jim responded, “He thinks he knows how to treat us, but he doesn’t. He has no idea”

Alarm bells started ringing in his head, but Steve was finding it difficult to concentrate. The pounding in his head wasn’t helping matters either. Steve cleared his throat and frowned, trying to clear the fog that had invaded his head, “What do you mean?”

“His so-called treatments” Jim told him, like it was obvious, “They get people killed. All of the patients that have gone missing or died, they were all his patients. I mean, how do you feel? Is it working on you?”

Steve frowned again, he felt like he was missing something still. He hadn’t taken any of the pills that Jim was referring to, he’d flushed all of them. But still…. “I feel like I’ve been run over by a road-train”

Jim nodded, “Yeah, that’s what Brian said two days before he died”

“What about you?” Steve asked, “I thought you had PTSD too, and Adrian’s your doc too right?”

Jim grinned and tapped his nose, “I figured out a trick. What I do is I – ”

Jim abruptly stopped talking and watched as Jake came over to them. Jake cleared his throat, looking between the two of them, before speaking, “Jim, Doc wants to see you”

Jim groaned loudly, “I’ve already seen him today though!”

Jake shook his head, “Nope, that was yesterday. Come on”

Jim groaned again, but got to his feet. He handed Steve his cup of soup – which didn’t look like it had been touched – then said, “See you later, partner” and gave a mock salute.

Steve took the cup and watched Jim disappear with Jake, and couldn’t help but wonder if he’d see the other man again. 

****

_ Steve grinned and looked at himself in the mirror. He ran a hand through his newly shaven hair, relishing the feel of the new hair cut. He’d been wanting to do this for a while, but had decided it would be more fitting to do it the day before they were finally released from quarantine. _

_ His smile widened as he listened to his colleagues talking in the next room, they all thought he was crazy for cutting his hair as short as he had. He grabbed the shaver and walked out, “Danny, you’re up” _

_ “Oh, no way. Nobody goes near the doo, especially with something like that” Danny groused _

_ “Come on, it’ll feel good” Steve tried again _

_ Danny shook his head, “I only get my hair cut at a barber” _

_ Steve grinned, but let it go, “Fine, Junior you’re up” _

_ “Oh, I don’t think so, I’m trying to grow out the fro” Junior said _

_ “Does nobody want to feel the fresh feeling of a new haircut?” Steve asked, “I mean, come on, it’s practical” _

_ “It’s ugly” Tani chimed in _

_ “Tani will do it” Junior dobbed her in _

_ “Sure” Tani responded _

_ “Really?” Junior asked _

_ “No, not really” Tani said mockingly _

_ “Okay, okay” Steve said, taking the shaver back into the bathroom. He heard a commotion whilst he was in the bathroom, and came out to find a stranger in the room, holding a gun out in front of him. _

_ Before Steve could do anything, the man shot Danny, then turned the gun on himself and blew his brains out. Steve ran to Danny’s side and pressed against the wound, whilst telling Junior to get supplies. _

_ “I don’t think it’ll help, Sir” Junior told him _

_ “Just get it!” Steve shouted, but he could see what the other man was trying to tell him. Danny’s blood was already pooling over Steve’s hands. _

_ “Steve” Danny said, then coughed up some blood. Danny leant to the side and coughed another mouthful of blood over the floor _

_ “Don’t talk” Steve told him, pressing down harder on Danny’s chest, trying unsuccessfully to stop the bleeding. The blood was coming out of Danny’s chest so fast, it was like someone was pouring blood out of a garden hose. _

_ “Take care of the kids” Danny told him, before choking on more blood, then leaning to his side again to clear his airway _

_ “Where’s the damn gauze?!” Steve shouted, looking back to Junior. But the man was no where to be seen. The room was empty – not even Tani was there. _

_ Steve looked back at Danny to see the other man’s eyes roll to the back of his head. Steve felt his own heart stop, this couldn’t happen! _

_ Steve started CPR on his partner, hoping for a hail Mary. He glanced around the room, trying to locate his missing team, but all he saw was blood. Danny’s blood covered the floor and was starting to pool. _

_ “Danny!!!” Steve shouted _

Steve woke with a start, his partner’s name still on his lips. He sat bolt upright and stared around the dark room, “Danny?!” he exclaimed

Where was he? The other man had gone to bed at the same time as him…right? 

Steve racked his brain, trying to remember what had happened that night. Then he remembered, the memory hitting him like a freight train, he was in the nut house. And Danny…Danny was back at home, doing whatever the other man did when Steve wasn’t around.

Steve swung his feet over the side of the bed and sat there with his head in his hands. The hospital scrubs stuck to his skin from a thick layer of sweat, but he was cold. He rubbed his hands over his head, which felt like it was about to explode. He’d had migraines before, but this was next level. And even worse, he had no idea what was causing the headaches.

His heart was still pounding from the nightmare, but at least he hadn’t woken up screaming again – screaming and attacking people. 

He felt completely and utterly exhausted, but didn’t think he’d be able to get back to sleep. Eventually, he got up and started pacing the length of the room, trying to convince his body that it was tired enough to go back to sleep. Not that his body really needed help. As it was, he had to drag himself off the bed to shuffled backwards and forwards.

After what felt like hours, but was probably only minutes, Steve collapsed back onto the bed and fell into a restless sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Steve paced in-front of the admin desk, five steps to the left, five steps to the right. He quickly checked the clock on the wall, the admin people usually came in at 0732h, and it was currently 0727h. 

He’d had a quick shower, a quick breakfast – despite not feeling hungry – and now wanted to use the phone. But as before, the phone’s were locked, and only the admin people could give him to code to unlock them. 

He just really wanted to talk with Danny, to make sure the other man was okay. He couldn’t get the image out of his head of Danny lying on the ground in a pool of his blood, slowly dying. 

His headache hadn’t shifted at all, and he was starting to suspect it was something more than dehydration or caffeine withdrawals, but he wasn’t sure what it was. At least he wasn’t feeling as nauseous as he had been the last few mornings.

After what felt like hours, one of the admin people finally came in and started unlocking everything. She saw Steve waiting on the other side of the partition, but largely ignored him, continuing to do whatever her processes were.

Steve fidgeted until the woman was joined by a man, who unlocked the partition and asked if he could help him. 

“Yeah, I need to use the phone” Steve told him

The guy nodded, “Okay, what’s your name?”

“McGarrett” Steve responded, watching as the guy consulted a list on the wall.

“Sorry, you’re not on the list” the guy told him, “The doc needs to give you permission to use the phone”

Steve blinked, but he’d had a feeling that was the case, “Yeah, but I should be getting discharged this afternoon, I need to organise someone to pick me up”

The guy shrugged, “You’ve got to take it up with the doc”

“Can you check again?” Steve asked, feeling desperate, he needed to talk to Danny

“He said you’re not on the list” the woman eventually spoke up, then closed the partition, effectively ending the conversation

Steve was about to knock on the window, but he noticed Jim walk into the room. Steve frowned, his curiosity getting the better of him. He wanted to know what had happened last night. He walked over, giving a slight wave to get the other man’s attention as he approached.

Jim gave a small smile as he saw Steve, “Hey, didn’t see you at breakfast this morning”

“Yeah, I went through early, just grabbed one of the pancake trays” Steve responded

“Did Andy give you the Canadian maple syrup?” Jim asked

Steve grinned, “Yeah, it was great. Hey, what happened last night?”

Jim shrugged, “Nothing I couldn’t handle. What were you doing over there?” he asked, indicating the admin area over Steve’s shoulder with a raise of his eyebrows

Steve grimaced, “Trying to get permission to use a phone”

Jim brightened up considerably, then indicated Steve should follow him, “Now that I can help with”

Steve followed Jim out of the common area and back to the phones. When they got there, Jim used his code and gave Steve the handset, telling him not to be too long, before heading back down the hallway to stand guard.

Steve quickly dialled Danny’s number and waited with baited breath, desperate to hear the other man’s voice.

“Hello?” Danny finally answered

“Danny, it’s me” Steve said quietly, not wanting to be overheard by anyone

“Steve! What’s going on? They wouldn’t let me visit you” Danny told him

Steve let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, “Something’s wrong here Danny”

Danny grumbled, “Well of course there is, that’s why you’re there”

“I mean – ” Steve started

“I know what you mean” Danny interrupted, “Look, just… just hang in there, okay? Are you being discharged this afternoon?”

“I don’t know” Steve answered honestly, “There are…. things”

There was silence on the other end for a moment, before Danny responded, “Okay. What are the people there like? Anyone interesting?”

Steve couldn’t help the smile, “Well yeah, Danny. But uh… well yeah, in their own ways though. Made friends with a guy called Jim, seems nice enough, he’s the cook. Most of the others keep to themselves”

“Well that’s good to hear. I mean, it’s not like you’re taking a vacation” Danny grumbled

Steve pursed his lips, he knew Danny was pissed at him, but he couldn’t help it. “Yeah, well. Uh, the doc is an interesting character – Adrian Hendry – he served for about 10 years, he’s helping me work through some stuff”

This time, Danny didn’t have a witty remark to release the tension between the two men. So Steve continued, “The staff don’t give me any grief, one of them – Jake – he was my escort when I first arrived. I think he’s unofficially still watching out for me”

“What do you mean?” Danny asked

“He makes sure I’m in the right spot at the right time. He does the same for some of the others, but…” Steve stopped and thought of what it was he was trying to say. He hoped Danny could fill in the blanks, it was hard to concentrate at the moment. “Anyway, there’s an orderly called Shaun, he’s got a bit of attitude. But I think he’s just pissed at life in general”

When it was clear Steve was done talking, Danny said, “You’re just a regular social butterfly, aren’t you? Made friends with anyone else?”

“Danny – ” Steve started

“No Steven! Don’t ‘Danny’ me” Danny interrupted, “If you’d just listened to me – ”

“You know it’s not that easy!” Steve interrupted, then froze as he saw one of the staff walk past the corridor he was in. Thankfully they kept walking, “Look Danno, I don’t have a lot of time. Hopefully I’ll be out of here this afternoon though. How’s things on your end?”

“Just peachy!” Danny snapped, then huffed out a breath. After a while, he said, “Look, you haven’t missed out on anything, nothing new here. There’s been none of those gun-fights or explosions you love so much”

“Well I guess I should be happy that you haven’t had any fun without me” Steve responded

Danny sighed again, then said softly, almost like he didn’t want to say it, “Look Steven, you’re in there for one reason, okay? You need to go better. That’s what you need to focus on, yeah?”

Steve nodded, he knew what Danny was saying, he knew what he had to do. He hated it when the other man was right. With a sigh, he said “I love you Danno”

He waited until he heard the sentiment repeated on the other side of the phone, before hanging up. He needed to get with the program, which first and foremost meant taking the stupid pills they tried to feed him every few hours. He supposed the second thing meant actually talking to the doc.


	11. Chapter 11

Steve tried to take another step backwards, but his back was already flush up against the wall. He stared in disbelief at the scene playing out in front of him, his headache and nauseousness almost completely forgotten now. He rubbed his eyes as if to clear them, but when he looked again, there was no change.

Two men from one of Steve’s previous units sat at one of the tables in the rec room, playing chess. They were bantering good naturedly with one another, as if nothing was wrong with the scene. But something was. It was very wrong. It was wrong because Steve had watched both of them die several years ago. And Steve didn’t believe in ghosts.

Steve was now sure he’d been drugged, there was no other explanation for what was going on. Perhaps that was the cause of the headache he’d been carrying since he got to this hell-hole, and that was to speak nothing of the nauseousness he’d had for the same amount of time. Steve put two fingers over his wrist and took his pulse: 157bpm. Definitely high – in both senses of the word.

He wondered which one of the pills had done it. Or maybe it was a reaction to something else. Maybe he was allergic. 

“Oh hey Smooth Dog, didn’t see ya there” one of the men – Alex AKA Rambo – said to him, “Wanna play?”

Steve shook his head, but didn’t say anything. He quickly looked around, the edges of his vision flittered with half seen images, and suddenly he felt dizzy and nauseous again. Before he could find a quiet corner to sit in, Jake appeared and started gesturing over his shoulder. 

Steve looked at the man in confusion, not quite having understood what had been said. Then Jake talked again and this time, Steve heard him, but he still sounded like he was far away. “McGarrett, time to see the doc”

Steve nodded and with a final glance at Rambo and Fletch, followed Jake out of the room. Jake didn’t say anything as they walked down the corridor, and merely stepped to the side when they got to the Doc’s office.

Adrian glanced up at him as he entered, then looked back at his computer as he asked calmly, “Forget about our session?”

“Yeah” Steve responded, then sat on the couch

“I heard you had a better night last night” Adrian said, as if forgetting about the previous conversation thread

“What does he know?” a voice to Steve’s right said. Steve looked and found Rambo sitting there. Steve felt his mouth gape open, he wanted to ask what the fuck he was doing there, but he didn’t want to give the doc any reason to keep him any longer

“Steve” Adrian said, getting his attention again

“Yeah” Steve responded, then pinched the bridge of his nose, “Wait, what was the question again?”

He heard Rambo start laughing, but he tried to ignore the man and concentrate on the conversation with Adrian. Adrian reiterated the question and waited for Steve’s response. Eventually Steve got with the program, “Yeah, I slept most of the night”

“You would have slept better if you weren’t dreaming about killing your boyfriend” Rambo remarked

“That’s not what happened!” Steve exclaimed before he could stop himself

“But that’s what you’re afraid of, isn’t it?” Rambo asked

“What do you mean, Steve?” Adrian asked

“Yeah, what do you mean, Steve?” Rambo mocked

“Nothing” Steve said, trying to get the conversation back on track, “Forget I said that”

“Yeah! He wasn’t talking to you!” Rambo shouted

“I think it did mean something, I’d like to hear about it” Adrian told him

Rambo started laughing, “This guy’s a bit of a putz, isn’t he?”

Steve closed his eyes and tried to concentrate, the dizzy/nauseous feeling was back, and talking in circles wasn’t helping.

“Steve, are you feeling okay?” Adrian asked

Steve opened his eyes and stared at Rambo. A speck of blood appeared above the man’s eyebrow, then grew until the side of his face was shining with blood. Rambo was pale and shivering. “We getting out of here, boss?” he asked

Steve swallowed thickly, the vision taking him back to a time he’d rather forget.

“Steve?” Adrian asked

Steve turned to face the doc, “Yeah”

He felt a hand rest on his shoulder and he turned back to Rambo, who was looking worse for wear.

_ “Don’t think I’m gonna make it, boss” Rambo told him, shivering in the cold _

_ “Yeah, you are” Steve replied, he sounded sure of himself, but he had to admit that the other man didn’t look good _

_ Rambo gave a small wet sounding chuckle, then started coughing, the sound more like hacking. Rambo hadn’t been able to keep up with the rest of the pack as they’d completed the mission and started the arduous trek to get back to the pick up point. It had later become apparent that he’d been hit in the raid and had tried to cover it up. Steve had told the rest of the pack to high tail it to the pick up point, volunteering to stay with the downed man. _

_ Rambo eventually recovered his breath, then said “I don’t think so” _

_ “Sure you are” Steve said, shivering himself “I’m sure you’ve had worse” _

_ Steve and Rambo had covered the pack’s retreat, trying to let loose only the rounds needed to keep the enemy back. But they’d been outnumbered from the start, and they didn’t have enough rounds to keep firing at them, and had eventually run out. They hid, and they had been doing very well until Rambo had become so disorientated that he’d hallucinated at the wrong time. _

_ Rambo coughed again, “Make sure Megan knows I love her” _

_ “Tell her yourself!” Steve told him, knowing how much the young man was infatuated with the Administration Clerk _

_ Before Rambo could respond, they heard keys at the door and suddenly Baldy came in, stalking towards Rambo. Steve jumped up, he knew this would be their last chance. They were getting too weak to do much, but they could certainly cause some damage and maybe, just maybe…. _

_ Steve placed himself in front of Rambo and struck the other man before he had a chance to strike first. The man blocked his blow, but wasn’t prepared for the follow-up punch, which hit him square in the face. _

_ Baldy staggered back, but didn’t fall. He started forward again and again Steve hit him, then wrestled him to the ground. The two traded blows for a while, until Steve had wrapped himself around the other man. Steve heard a satisfying crack in the man’s arm, at least incapacitating him for a moment. The man would surely be up again soon. _

_ Steve wrapped an arm around the man’s neck and pressed until he felt the man lose consciousness. He could have snapped the man’s neck, but something made Steve hold back. _

_ Steve released the man and staggered to his feet, “Quick! Let’s go” he said at Rambo _

_ He helped Rambo to his feet and the two staggered out the door and down the hallway. Suddenly, Steve felt someone launch into his back, knocking them over. He tossed the weight off his back and landed a few blows to the newcomer, before another person jumped into the mix. _

_ “Get him!” Steve shouted at Rambo, why wasn’t his man helping him? _

_ Steve wrestled, trying to gain the advantage, but it was a losing fight. Suddenly, Steve felt a pinch in his leg, but he hadn’t seen a knife. He kicked one of the guys and felt the weight loosen off him again. _

_ Steve twisted and punched out at the second man, but he felt his energy sliding. His energy fading rapidly. The knife must have nicked an artery. _

_ “Rambo, run!!!” Steve screamed, if he couldn’t save himself, maybe he could at least save his man. Steve felt a burst of energy and fought like his life depended on it – which it did. _

_ He scrambled to his feet and traded another few blows, before he was hit in the back again. This time when he hit the floor, he felt at least three bodies pinning him to the ground. He bulked and twisted, but he was fighting a losing battle. _

_ He felt another pinch, and briefly wondered where these bastards were getting the knives from, before the world went dark. _


	12. Chapter 12

The first thing Steve noticed when he woke up was that he was lying on something that was soft.

The second thing Steve noticed was that he was hugging himself. And he couldn’t un-hug himself.

The third thing Steve noticed was that wherever he was, there was a strong stench of vomit.

Steve cracked his eyelids open and tried to figure out where he was. His brain was slow in putting the pieces together. The sluggish feeling telling him that he’d been sedated once again.

The cotton wool feeling in his head only confirmed his previous finding. Unlike the previous times he’d woken from being sedated though, his headache remained, and in fact had increased in intensity.

He looked around the room and found that the soft surface he was on was not a bed, but actually the surface of the room. The same padding adorned the four walls too. Great, he was in a padded room.

Steve tried to sit up, but found it hard to move. That’s when he realised that his upper garment was the thing restricting the movement of his arms. He’d been put into a straight jacket. 

Steve closed his eyes and tried to control the hammering of his heart. He wasn’t sure how he’d gotten here, but it couldn’t have been good. It almost certainly meant he wouldn’t be getting discharged this afternoon.

He cleared his throat, then tried sitting up again. But he aborted the movement when his stomach reminded him that he hadn’t been feeling too good recently. He felt his stomach rebel against the movement, and before he could stop it, he threw up onto the padded floor. 

Instead of making him feel better, he felt worse. He threw up again and groaned.

His stomach felt like he’d swallowed razor blades. 

He rolled over to get away from the mess, not wanting to put his face into it. The movement sent shockwaves of pain through his body. He felt it from the roots of his hair, thundering through the head, down through his body to the pit of his stomach.

Steve gasped and clenched his eyes shut. He willed himself not to throw up again and tried to stop the hammering in his head. The lights in the room stabbed through his eyelids, trying to stab a hole through his head.

He felt something tickle the inside of his nose and dribble down his face. He brushed his face against the floor, hoping that would stop the dribble of snot from his nose. When he quickly cracked open an eye, he frowned in confusion at the spot of red on the ground. He quickly closed his eye again, the light too piercing to keep it open.

Before he could analyse the spot of red that may or may not have come from his nose, he felt his stomach rebelling again. And as before, he couldn’t stop the inevitable. 

He threw up again, the heaving sending ripples of pain through his body so intense that he let the darkness consume him once again.


	13. Chapter 13

When he woke up again, Steve noticed his arms were not pinned around his torso. He also noticed beeping in the background, but he wasn’t sure where it came from.

More than anything though, he felt the pain. It hadn’t abated at all. His head still felt like it was about to explode, and his stomach felt like it was on fire.

Steve whimpered and tried to curl himself into a ball, but something was restricting his movement.

“Hey” he heard someone say softly at his side “You in pain?”

Steve opened his eyes, then quickly squeezed them shut when the light bore into his skull. He flinched away from the side that the voice had come from, not knowing who the voice belonged to. He didn’t want to confirm how he was feeling to a stranger, he couldn’t show weakness.

He felt a hand run through his hair and he tried to strike out at the owner, but like his legs, his arms were restrained.

Steve swallowed thickly, trying to work out what was going on. His thoughts were jumbled though, and nothing was making sense.

Then he felt a cool sensation go up his arm and spread through his body. In the wake of whatever it was, he felt the pain fade in intensity, leaving him feel exhausted. Steve gave in to the feeling and let himself fade into the darkness again.


	14. Chapter 14

Danny sighed as he watched Steve sleep fitfully in the hospital bed. He held onto one of Steve’s hands with both of his own and glanced at the various wires and tubes around the bedside. It had been a close one this time. 

He hated it that Steve had volunteered to be bait for the guy using PTSD sufferers as guinea pigs. And he hated it more that Steve had joked that at worst, if things went sideways, he was the most expendable person on the team and therefore the best person for the job. He hadn’t clarified that he meant out of himself and Danny – the only two who hadn’t visibly been working the PTSD case. 

Stupid guy always put himself last. Danny hated Steve’s recklessness, he’d hoped it would get better after they became a couple, but no such luck. He always put everybody’s welfare far above his own. Damn hero complex! 

He remembered the feeling of elation when they’d finally confessed their feelings to one another. He hadn’t been sure about what Steve meant when he’d said “I love you too pal” in the collapsed car parking complex because he’d said it so easily. He said it so freely that Danny hadn’t thought that it was genuine until he’d kissed him.

_ “Okay, you first” Steve said as the harness and rope was lowered to them _

_ Steve helped him into the harness, his hands were still around Danny’s waist to support him as he looked into his eyes. Danny wasn’t sure what it meant though _

_ “Guess I’ll see you topside” Danny said softly _

_ “Wait!” Steve quickly said, stopping Danny from giving the signal to hoist him up _

_ “Steve?” Danny asked _

_ Steve cupped his face with one of his hands, then leant in and planted a soft kiss against his lips. It was so soft that Danny wasn’t even sure their lips had met. Danny pushed the lips together more firmly, just to make sure that what was happening was actually happening. _

_ Danny groaned into the kiss and reluctantly separated them as he clutched his side in pain. _

_ “You better get up there” Steve told him _

_ “We’ll continue this later” Danny said, but it sounded more like a question _

_ Steve grinned and gave him another kiss in response, before giving the signal for Danny to go up, “See you on the other side” _

Steve moaned and his muscles tensed under Danny’s hands. Danny pursed his lips, then wiped Steve’s hair off his sweaty forehead, mumbling sweet nothings to him. But Steve still looked like he was in pain.

It was a good thing they got to him in time. The information Steve had provided Danny on the phone had been the clincher. They’d looked into the people Steve had mentioned with a fine tooth comb, and had found a key piece of information they’d missed on the first round. It had been enough to get a search warrant and they’d struck gold.

The team had called it a wrap and went to collect Steve, only to find that he’d been put in an isolation room. When Danny had walked into the room, he knew something was terribly wrong. 

_ “Steve, babe, come on, time to go home” Danny called to the man curled on his side – or at least the best he could do in a straight jacket. _

_ As Danny approached Steve, his body started convulsing. Danny rushed to his side, yelling over his shoulder for help. _

Another groan pulled Danny out of his reverie. He looked up at Steve’s face and saw him crack his eyes open, before squeezing them closed again. Well, that answered the question as to whether or not he still had a headache.

Danny clicked the call button for a nurse, knowing he’d want pain killers. Steve started panting, he face contorting as he tried to stop the pain. 

Danny reached for the vomit bowl and put it under Steve’s chin as the man leant to the side and emptied his stomach.

“Shhh, babe, it’s okay” Danny soothed, rubbing circles on his back. 

Steve flinched back and tried to strike out at him, but the restraints kept his limbs in place, “Stay back!” he croaked

Danny sighed and put the bowl down. He thanked his lucky stars when the nurse arrived with the doc and saw the state the Steve was in. They held a quiet conversation, then the nurse injected something into Steve’s IV line. After they were done, they thanked Danny and left, switching off the light on the way out. 

Danny turned back to Steve and saw that his eyes were squinted open, but he still looked confused. Danny wondered what was going through his head.

“You with me babe?” Danny asked softly

Steve frowned, his gaze wondering around the room before focussing back on Danny. He gave a small nod, but didn’t say anything.

Danny sighed, he was less than convinced. The docs said Steve would still feel the side effects of the drug cocktail for a while longer. They couldn’t tell him how long that would be or how bad the side effects were. 

_ “Anything from headaches, nauseousness, confusion, irritability to seizures, brain haemorrhage, heart attack, coma, death” the doc listed out _

_ “Well, isn’t that helpful” Danny scowled _

“Steve?” Danny asked, stroking his hand

Steve flinched, but gave no other outward sign of being uncomfortable. He stared back at Danny for a while, then he saw when Steve finally recognised him. He blinked heavily and his frown deepened, “Danno?”

Danny gave a small smile, “You had me worried there”

Steve tried to return the smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. He shifted his gaze from Danny’s, then whispered, “I’m so sorry, Danny”

“For not recognising me?” Danny asked

“For everything” Steve answered, his eyes starting to shine with unshed tears, “I’m sorry”

Danny frowned, brushing his hand through Steve’s sweaty hair, then cupping his face, “Babe, you were just doing your job”

“I put you in danger” Steve argued, a tear breaking free of his eyes, “I took the governor hostage”

“Yeah, and it all went according to plan” Danny responded, “You remember the plan, right?”

“What?” Steve asked

Danny sighed softly, “We hit a roadblock in the case, patients with PTSD were dying from unusual circumstances. You volunteered to go undercover, you said it had to be realistic, and public enough. It had to be public enough because the hospital knew five-0 were investigating, so there had to be no doubt about your symptoms, we couldn’t just take you there”

Steve frowned, “Go on”

“We brought the Governor in for top cover” Danny told him

_ “That’s your plan?” the Governor asked in disbelief _

_ “What did I say?” Danny grumbled at Steve _

_ “It’s a terrible plan” the Governor told them, “What happens if you get shot? What happens if I get shot?” _

_ “That’s why Junior will take me down, he’ll do it before HPD get the chance to do something stupid” Steve told them _

_ “And I take it you haven’t told HPD?” the Governor asked _

_ “The less people that know, the better” Steve told him _

_ “I still don’t agree with you getting shot” Danny put his two-cents worth in _

_ “It’ll be a through and through” Steve said in exasperation, “And no-one else will be able to get close to me” _

_ “Are you saying you’re invincible?” Danny asked _

_ “I’m saying I’m a Navy SEAL and the US Government has spent an extraordinary amount of money developing certain skill sets. The only plausible way to stop me in this scenario is to shoot me. We control the shooter, we control the shot” Steve explained for the hundredth time _

_ “I don’t like it” Danny said _

_ “You don’t need to” Steve told him, then turned to the Governor, “Sir?” _

_ The Governor sighed, “Fine” _

_ Danny spoke into his radio set, then turned to the other man, “We’re a go” _

_ “Show me who your target is” the Governor asked Steve _

_ “I won’t really know until I get inside and do some recon, but we like the Doc for it” Steve replied, but brought up the feed from yesterday’s surveillance _

_ Danny sighed and glanced at his watch. He hated these meetings. _

_ Steve pointed at the Governor’s monitor, “This guy” _

_ Suddenly there was a loud bang from the hallway, and Steve knew that Lou had done his job. Now it was his turn. He rounded on the Governor, drawing his weapon as he moved and pointed it at the man, then hugged him against Steve’s body. _

_ “Let’s go” Steve whispered _

“Steve?” Danny asked

“Yeah, I remember” Steve responded, but something in Steve’s eyes made Danny wonder if he believed it. He’d ask him about it later, he wouldn’t be able to get anything out of the SEAL in this environment, he’d wait until they were back home.

Danny sighed again softly, then he got something out of his pocket and squeezed it into Steve’s hand, “Remember this?”

Steve turned his hand over and saw a blue threaded bracelet with an ‘S’ bead hanging in the middle. 

_ Danny knelt in front of Charlie. His little boy was in his school uniform, chomping at the bit to head out and meet the bus. He would probably miss it today, but Danny didn’t mind driving him in, it was important that they had this discussion today. _

_ “Hey buddy, Steve won’t be gone for long, he’ll be home before you know it” Danny told him _

_ “I don’t want him to go, he’s helping me with my exploding rocket experiment” Charlie told him _

_ “You don’t want his help with that. He’d probably destroy the rocket and level the house” Danny replied _

_ “He said he wanted something to go ‘boom’” Steve felt compelled to point out _

_ Charlie pouted, “You’ll make sure he stays safe?” _

_ “I promise” Danny said, holding up his fingers, “Scout’s honour” _

_ Charlie scrunched up his face, he clearly wasn’t happy with the situation. _

_ “Now, you know that you might hear some stuff about Steve over the next few days, and what they’ll say won’t be very nice” Danny told him, then focussed on Grace as she came into the room, “You might even hear stuff on the news” _

_ “Why will he be on the news?” Grace asked _

_ Danny and Steve exchanged a glance, before Steve responded, “I’m going to do something bad” _

_ “How bad?” Charlie asked _

_ “Bad enough it’ll be on the news” Grace told him, then turned back to Danny and Steve, “Will it be worth it?” _

_ “Yeah” Steve responded, “Certainly will” _

_ “Okay” Grace said, accepting it at face value. She turned back to Charlie and put something in his hand, whispering something that sounded like ‘finished’ _

_ Charlie’s face lightened up and he turned to Steve, “I’ve got something that will keep you extra safe” _

_ “What is it?” Steve asked, clearly curious despite himself _

_ Charlie didn’t say anything, instead he grabbed Steve’s hand and tied a deep blue ‘friendship’ type bracelet to his wrist. An ‘S’ bead was threaded through the middle of it. Charlie grinned, “You’ll be safe now. It’s only for a few days though, isn’t it?” _

“Steve?” Danny asked

“Can you put it on?” Steve asked, then watched as Danny did that, tying it above where the restraints still held his arms to the side of the bed

Danny paused after his tied the bracelet to his wrist, “The nurses say those can come off as soon as you’re more with it”

Steve nodded, “So what happened?”

“Well, after your subtle clues, we looked into those guys. We were able to get enough on Jim Horlin, the patient you befriended” Danny explained, “We got a warrant and turned his kitchen upside down. Turns out he was a scientist back in the day, he was using the kitchen to try to cook up something that would eliminate PTSD symptoms”

Steve groaned, “That explains why he was always trying to feed me”

“Yeah, that’s what we figured too. Turns out that what he was using interacted with some of the normal drugs someone with PTSD would get prescribed. Add a side of sedatives and you get a killer cocktail” Danny replied, “We got to you just in time”

Steve looked around the hospital room, “Clearly not a moment too late”

Danny grimaced, and glanced at the machines in the room, “They put you on dialysis because your organs needed a rest, and you needed help flushing the drugs out of your system. The doctors said you’ll be hooked up for another week or so”

“The headaches?” Steve asked

“A side-effect of whatever was in the cocktail he was feeding you” Danny responded, “Don’t ask me to pronounce the names of the chemicals. He thought he was doing you a favour”

They lapsed into silence, both lost in their own thoughts. Steve squeezed Danny’s hand and smiled when he looked at him, “Thanks”

Danny returned the squeeze and smiled back.

“Told you everything would be fine” Steve told him softly

“This hardly constitutes being ‘fine’” Danny responded

“Well, I mean I didn’t die” Steve said

“Don’t do that” Danny told him sternly

“Don’t do what?” Steve asked

“Don’t make light of the situation. If we hadn’t found you when we did, you might …” Danny said, then stopped, not wanting to think about what could have happened

“Yeah, but you did find me in time” Steve said softly

Danny sighed and withdrew his hand, not wanting to have this particular discussion now. He stood up, “I’ll see if the nurses are happy enough to take your restraints off”

“Danny” Steve said

“Not now, Steven” Danny replied, then walked out of the room in search of Steve’s nurse.


	15. Chapter 15

“Steve, would you stop moving around? You’ll pull up the stupid tubes!” Danny exclaimed, getting up from his chair, ready to manhandle his partner if necessary

Steve huffed and sat back against the bed, “I feel fine, I don’t need to be here anymore”

“Oh, I’m sorry, congratulations on getting your degree in medicine! Do you still prefer to be called Commander McGarrett or do you want us to call you Dr. McGarrett?” Danny said

Steve sighed and thumped his body back against the pillows, grumbling beneath his breath.

“What?” Danny asked

“Nothing” Steve said sullenly

“Yeah, I should think so” Danny responded, then sat down and pinched the bridge of his nose, “The docs said they’re disconnecting you from the tubes this afternoon”

“I know” Steve said, staring at the ceiling, then he sighed again, “I’m just bored”

“You know, you could watch ‘Finding Nemo’ again” Danny said with a grin

Steve groaned and rubbed his hand over his face, “You know, if Charlie had the chance, he’d turn himself into a fish”

“I thought he liked the turtles the most?” Danny asked

Steve grinned, “He does”

“You know, he asked if we could go to Sydney yesterday” Danny told him

Steve nodded, “42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. I’m hiding that movie when we get home”

Danny chuckled, then frowned when Steve started fidgeting with the wires again, “Steven! You’re like a child! Stop playing with the medical equipment!”

“Could we just ask them to take the wires off now?” Steve whinged

“You’ve already asked them a hundred times!” Danny exclaimed, “What makes you think they’re gonna say yes this time?”

“They have to say yes eventually” Steve responded

“What is it going to take to make you stop fidgeting?” Danny asked rhetorically

Steve grinned, then shifted across on the bed, “Why don’t you come join me up here?”

Danny grinned before he could stop himself, “I’m not making out with you on a hospital bed”

“Why not?” Steve asked, “It’s not like we haven’t before”

A small knock on the door interrupted their conversation. Steve and Danny turned to the visitor and saw the Adrian come in, “Hey doc”

Adrian smiled, “Hey yourself, sorry if I’m interrupting”

“Not at all, have at it, I need to stretch my legs” Danny said as he got up, “Don’t let him pull out any of the wires and tubes”

“Could you get me a burger?” Steve asked

“I’ll ask the docs if you’re allowed” Danny responded, “Now, behave”

“Yes mum” Steve responded 

Danny rolled his eyes and left the room, leaving the two men to catch up

“I’ve just been caught up on what happened after you left my office” Adrian said as Danny left

“Yeah, me too” Steve responded, then grimaced. He looked at Adrian’s left arm that was in a cast, “Did I do that?” 

Adrian nodded, “Yeah, you were pretty disorientated. I hear you were being drugged pretty heavily”

“Yeah” Steve replied, “You okay?”

“Nothing I haven’t done before” Adrian responded with a shrug

Steve pursed his lips, he felt really bad for having broken the doc’s arm, he wished there was a way he could repay him.

“Listen, ah, I didn’t want to stay long. I just wanted to make sure you were doing better, and to give you this” Adrian told him, handing him a business card, “Just in case you wanted to chat sometime. I see outpatients on Tuesday afternoons and Saturday mornings. I also run a few group sessions in the evenings, just google me”

Steve nodded and gave a small wave, “Ah, thanks”

“Don’t mention it” Adrian responded, then stood awkwardly for a moment, before adding, “Just have a think about coming to a session sometime”

“You know I was deliberately showing you what you wanted to see, right?” Steve asked

“Yeah” Adrian said with a smile, “I know”

Steve watched as Adrian gave a wave and walked out. He wondered what the smile was about.


	16. Chapter 16

EPILOGUE – ONE MONTH LATER

Steve flicked through the magazine in the waiting room, paying absolutely no attention at all to the contents. He just had to keep busy. Thankfully he was the only one in the waiting room.

After what felt like forever, and three magazines, the receptionist got up and called him through. He followed the lady to an unmarked office, where he was seen in.

Instantly, he thought of the doc’s office in the psych ward.

“Morning Steve” Adrian greeted him, getting up from his desk to shake Steve’s hand, “Thanks for coming in”

“I’d say ‘anytime’, but…” Steve replied

“Thanks Brenda” Adrian said to the secretary, waiting for her to shut the door, before gesturing to the seats, “Take a seat”

Steve sat down and waited for Adrian to sit, “Ah, I don’t know where to start”

Adrian gave a small smile, then said “If it makes you feel any better, should I remind you that this isn’t your first session with me?”

“I don’t know if the first ones count” Steve told him honestly, “I hardly had a choice to go before, I do now”

“I understand that you absolutely had a choice the first time. You volunteered to go undercover” Adrian answered

Steve opened his mouth to say something, then realised the man had a point.

“Why don’t you start where you feel you should start” Adrian advised him, “There are no rules here”

Steve pursed his lips and tried to think about what he wanted to say. He mindlessly fidgeted with the bracelet on his wrist, before eventually starting, “I volunteered to go undercover because I knew it would make sense, I mean, like you said the first time I came into your office, I’ve seen a lot of action. And most of it has been classified”

“I mean, no one would batter an eyelid for the news headline that’d read ‘Navy Sailor gets PTSD’ or ‘Navy SEAL or Cop gets PTSD’. It just made sense. I’m not saying that the others wouldn’t have been convincing, the news headline would be the same” Steve started

“I knew that I could be convincing. I just had to over act out what I already feel anyway, just dramatize it a bit” Steve paused

“What do you mean?” Adrian asked

“I mean that every time I hear a car backfire or a sudden noise I’m not expecting, I have a mild startle response. Where normally I may jump and feel like I’m under fire and scan for a threat, I embellished on the response by throwing myself to the floor. That kind of thing” Steve responded

“Have you done that before?” Adrian asked

“Thrown myself on the floor? No, but I’ve wanted to” Steve answered honestly, “It wasn’t that hard to overreact to those things. Loud noises make me jumpy, that’s a given. The hypervigilance, sure I notched that up a lot as well. I needed to be noticed to make myself a target”

“I have difficulty sleeping, so I didn’t need to act that out. I have nightmares, I have night terrors, and if someone touches me before I’m awake…. Well, you know what happens” Steve said with a cringe, “That was something I didn’t mean to act out or embellish”

“The hallucinations there at the end, they were new” Steve told him, “That was probably the drugs doing their thing. The flash-backs, again I overembellished them”

Steve took a deep breath, “But I do have them, nothing as drastic as what I made out, but yeah. And I know what I’m saying, I know what I’m admitting to, I know what this means. I just…. I don’t want to be taken off active duty”

“What do you think this means, Steve?” Adrian asked

“Well, I think I just ticked off most of your list of symptoms for PTSD, right?” Steve asked, “I mean, it’s not a surprise, a couple of guys I used to work with have been diagnosed with PTSD. And you know, we all support them, that’s a given”

“I just… I’m admitting this to you because…” Steve paused, thinking about what he was trying to say, “I don’t want to feel like this anymore, it’s exhausting. I want to get better”

“Well, you’ve taken the first step” Adrian told him

Steve nodded, his fingers unconsciously still fidgeting with the bracelet Charlie gave him, “I don’t want to take any drugs though”

“They may help reduce some of your symptoms” Adrian said

“Yeah” Steve shook his head, “Still not going to happen”

Adrian sighed, but nodded, “Did your partner put you up to this?”

“Danny?” Steve asked, then shook his head, “No, he doesn’t even know I’m here. He thinks I’ve gone for a short hike”

Adrian frowned and played with his pen for a moment, before asking, “Why?”

Steve shrugged and didn’t mean Adrian’s eyes, “I guess I wanted to see what happens first. I’ll tell him eventually, but I know I needed to take this first step myself”

“Okay” Adrian said, “You know it’ll be a long process, right?”

“Yeah” Steve responded

Adrian nodded, “Okay, let’s set up another appointment in a few days time to see about getting you a diagnosis, then we’ll take it from there”

“I thought we just did that?” Steve asked

“There’s a bit more to it than that, we’ll need to book a longer appointment too. We’ll need to go into more detail with the symptoms you’re experiencing, so it will take longer. I usually recommend that you don’t go back to work afterwards if it’s during the week, most of my patients find the process confronting and exhausting” Adrian explained

Steve fidgeted with the bracelet as he took the information on board, “How long?”

“At least a double appointment” Adrian allowed, “Sometimes longer, I’ll keep the next space blank as well, just in case we go over”

Steve nodded, then said with a confidence he didn’t feel, “Okay, let’s do it”

FIN


End file.
